


Impala!sex

by using_this_name



Series: Crackity Crack [13]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Drabble, Dubious Consent, Humor, Impala Sam, Impala Sex, M/M, Multiple Penetration, Object Insertion, Pie, Terrible Nicknames, Triple Penetration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-12
Updated: 2013-05-12
Packaged: 2017-12-11 16:43:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/800888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/using_this_name/pseuds/using_this_name
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam gets turned back into the Impala.  This time for no particular reason.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Gabriel:** As much as I love the Sex Pistols, this is the third time we have listened to this tape.

**Dean:** Shut your cake hole. The rest got pie on ‘em…

**Gabriel:** Regardless, we need new tunes. *snaps*

**Cas:** How will getting rid of Sam get us….

**Sam:** Why, Gabriel? Why?

**Dean:** WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY CAR?….AGAIN?

**Sam:** Hey, at least you ain’t feeling the wind in your grill. You know you’re tailgating, right?

**Gabriel:** It could be worse. I could have given you herpes again.

**Dean:** How is that worse than messing with my car?

**Sam:** Hey!

**Gabriel:** Give us some tunes, Sammy-Be-Bop!! Something to inspire us in our time of Dean-Being-a-Dick!

*Sam starts playing You Raise Me Up, Josh Groban version*

**Dean:** Hilarious.

**Sam:** It could be worse. I could have Gabriel give you herpes!


	2. Chapter 2

*Impala!Sam is stubbornly playing the Spice Girls. Dean is grumbling that at least Posh is hot. Cas is looking hurt. Gabriel is singing along, quite loudly, and dancing*

 **Cas:**  Am I not as ‘hot’ as ‘Posh Spice’?

 **Dean:**  Nah. She just has nicer boobs.

 **Cas:**  I could have boobs if you like…

 **Sam:**  THIS IS NOT A GENDERSWAP FIC. STAY FOCUSED.

 **Dean:**  That’s easy for you to say, Sam. You are a car. They are a little one-track-minded.

 **Sam:**  I AM NOT ACTUALLY A CAR!

 **Dean:**  You say ‘tomato,’ I say ‘you’re a car…’

 **Sam:**  GABRIEL! TURN ME BACK!

 **Gabriel:**  No can do, PokeSam. Why are you yelling?

 **Sam:**  DEAN IS DRIVING REALLY FAST!  I CAN’T HEAR MYSELF OVER THE WIND!

 **Dean:**  We are stopping to get gas. I need out of this girl band hell.

 **Sam:**  GOOD PLAN! I COULD USE A BREAK!

 **Dean:**  You are a car. You don’t need a break.

 **Sam:**  I AM NOT ACTUALLY A CAR!


	3. Chapter 3

*they pull into the station*

**Gabriel:** I’ll get the gas!

*Gabriel snaps out to the pump*

**Dean:** Wow. He’s never wanted to do that before.

**Sam:** This cannot end well. Please go out and stop him doing whatever he is planning on doing to me.

**Dean:** Yeah, maybe if you hadn’t played the Spice Girls for the last hour.

**Sam:** Please! That nozzle is looking very threatening right now!

**Dean:** Deal with it. Hey Cas, it looks like Gabriel is gonna be a while. Wanna have a quicky in the back seat?

**Cas:** I would be amenable to that.

**Dean:** Awesome!  Take off your pants.

**Sam:**  Guys!  Stop!  You cannot have sex on my back seat.

**Dean:** I think we can.

**Sam:** I will play talk radio!

**Dean:** No you won’t. The engine is off. And the battery, which is what runs the radio.

**Sam:** Damn it. Wait. Why can I still talk?

**Dean:** ‘Cause this is a crack fic. It is full of ridiculous plot holes. I mean, why are we even driving? The angels can zap us anywhere. Why didn’t Gabriel snap up more tapes?  Or clean the old ones? Or just play music without the radio at all?

**Cas:** Dean. I am getting impatient.

**Dean:** Right. Let me just find the pie I left back here…

**Sam:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Sam:** I will sing! Loudly! I will! And you know how bad my singing is!

**Dean:** What did you say, Sammy? Sorry, there was pie in my ear.

**Sam:** Never mind. Just don’t get anything on my upholstery.

**Dean:** *petting the seat* Like I would get my baby dirty.

**Sam:** And please stop feeling me up.  GAH!  What was…

**Gabriel:** *sticking his head in Sam’s window* Hey Fullmetal Sammymist! Does it feel good when I do this?

**Sam:** The thing with the gas nozzle? Yeah,  it’s great. I love object insertion.

**Gabriel:** Am I sensing sarcasm?  Don’t worry, I’m about to start pumping you full of my thick, hot….gas. Here goes!

**Dean:** This is really good pie. We should totally go back and get some more.

**Cas:** I can get you some right now. Where do you want them?

*whispering. Pies appear in interesting places.*

**Sam:** I hate my life so much right now.

**Gabriel:** All done!  Now I’m gonna just check the oil real quick! Sammy-ball Z!  Open wide!  Let me get my fingers under that hood!

**Sam:** You left the nozzle in.

**Gabriel:** Did I? Whoops!  I’ll get it in a bit, NaSamto. Right now I need to check the dip-stick in the oil.

*pulls it out. Then puts it back*

**Gabriel:** Wow. You can take a lot there, Samlor Moon.

**Sam:** Please. Please. Stop. At least with the terrible puns.

**Gabriel:** Hey! Cas! Dean! You guys done?

**Dean:** Mmmfhghfmm!

**Cas:** Dean has almost finished his pie.

**Gabriel:** Great!  ‘Cause I think while we’re here, we should really check to make sure all the weapons are ok. I thought I heard something fall over when we stopped.

**Cas:** I will check. Dean, you should probably go to the bathroom and clean up.

**Dean:** Nah. I’m fine. Let me just wipe this off.  ‘Kay! Open her up!

**Sam:** That is truly disgusting.

**Gabriel:** You should be nice to me, Samitar: the Last Sambender. I could always turn you back while they’re still rummaging in your trunk.


End file.
